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  • Jokes... Post your JOKES here....

    Post your JOKES here:

    Remember - keep them short and sweet!


    Do NOT reply to posts here.
    bidorbuy Forum Administrator



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  • #2
    Late one afternoon, a man walked into a pub - carrying a large brief case, which he placed carefully on the bar counter - and ordered a drink.

    After a while, the bartender asked about the music emanating from the briefcase. The man opened the briefcase to reveal a really tiny human - dressed in a tuxedo - seated at an equally tiny grand-piano.

    After watching the little pianist playing some excellent jazz for a few minutes, the bartender also noticed an oddly-shaped, old brass lamp in the briefcase which the man explained was a genies' lamp. The bartender asked whether he might look at the lamp and rubbed it with his sleeve to bring up the polish.

    POOF! The genie appeared and offered the bartender a wish. The bartender immediately wished for “lots of bucks” whereupon the entire bar was filled with thousands of ducks of all descriptions. Black, brown, green, blue, yellow, large and small.

    After managing the duck chaos the bartender asked the man – “So, what’s with the genie?”

    The man, rather sadly, replied “He has a hearing problem, how else do you think I ended up with a ten-inch pianist?”:p
    "Truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

    Comment


    • #3
      Titles of the World's Thinnest Books

      FRENCH WAR HEROES
      by Jacques Chirac

      HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
      by Jane Fonda

      HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AEROPLANE
      by John Denver

      THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
      by Hilary Clinton

      THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
      by Bill Gates

      MY WILD YEARS
      by Al Gore

      DETROIT
      a Travel Guide

      A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
      by Dr J Kervorkian

      GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
      by Mike Tyson

      MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
      by O J Simpson

      MY BOOK OF MORALS
      by Bill Clinton
      with introduction by The Rev Jesse Jackson

      OTHER LITTLE KNOWN BOOKS:

      "Spots on the Wall" by Hu Flung Dung
      "Blue Skies" by Semour Brooks
      Yesterday I was clever and wanted to change the world.
      Today I am wise and am changing myself.

      Comment


      • #4
        The Van Gogh Family Tree

        His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------Verti Gogh

        The brother who ate prunes ---------------------Gotta Gogh

        The brother who worked at a convenience store --Stop n Gogh

        The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------U Gogh

        The cousin from Illinois -----------------------Chica Gogh

        His magician uncle -----------------------------Where-diddy Gogh

        His Mexican cousin -----------------------------Amee Gogh

        The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -----Gring Gogh

        The nephew who drove a stage coach--------------Wells-far Gogh

        The constipated uncle --------------------------Can't Gogh

        The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------Tang Gogh

        The bird lover uncle ---------------------------Flamin Gogh

        His nephew psychoanalyst -----------------------E Gogh

        The fruit loving cousin ------------------------Man Gogh

        An aunt who taught positive thinking -----------Way-to-Gogh

        The little bouncy nephew -----------------------Poe Gogh

        A sister who loved disco -----------------------Go Gogh

        His niece who lives in a motor-home ------------Winnie Bay Gogh

        Well, there you Gogh!
        Yesterday I was clever and wanted to change the world.
        Today I am wise and am changing myself.

        Comment


        • #5
          Some crazy student "bloopers" ...

          "The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

          "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

          "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

          "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

          "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

          "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

          "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

          "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

          "Liter: A nest of young puppies."

          "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

          "Vacuum: A large, mansion where the pope lives."

          "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

          "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

          "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

          "To prevent contraception, use a condominium."
          Yesterday I was clever and wanted to change the world.
          Today I am wise and am changing myself.

          Comment


          • #6
            Some folks have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

            A 65-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

            The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

            The next day the 65-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

            The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
            Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
            Then I asked my wife for help.
            She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
            She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.


            We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

            The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

            The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open." :p
            "Truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

            Comment


            • #7
              A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

              He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
              "Truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

              Comment


              • #8
                Teaching Maths through the decades...

                Teaching Maths in 1950:
                A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
                His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
                What is his profit?


                Teaching Maths in 1960:
                A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
                His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
                What is his profit?


                Teaching Maths in 1970:
                A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
                The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
                Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
                The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
                Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
                What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?


                Teaching Maths in 1980:
                A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
                His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
                Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


                Teaching Maths in 1990:
                By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
                What do you think of this way of making a living?
                Topic for class participation after answering the question:
                How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
                There are no wrong answers.


                Teaching Maths in 2000:
                A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
                His cost of production is $120.
                How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

                Teaching Maths in 2010:
                First read your history and biology books to understand the concept of forests and trees.
                Add all information to your Blog or your Facebook page.
                Hypothetically - would cutting down one tree reduce or increase the threat to global climate change? Explain...
                Text your answers via Blackberry!

                Comment


                • #9
                  EXERCISE FOR ALL PEOPLE

                  Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

                  With a 5-kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

                  Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato bags.

                  Then try 50-kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

                  After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
                  Click here for great deals!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    The good ole days....

                    Jannie's Oupa was reminiscing about the good old days...... "Jantjie"! ....... he started with sad tears running down his weathered cheeks , "When I was a seuntjie, my mother could send me down to the shop , the one near the bus stop, with one shilling........ and I come back with bag of potatoes, two loaves bread, three bottles of milk, a big piece of cheese, one packet of tea, and six - sometimes eight - eggs"! ....."Nee man! ......... You can not do that nomore now!!! Too many security cameras." :p
                    "Truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      LETTER HOME FROM A FARMER'S SON WHO IS TRAINING AS A MARINE CORPS RECRUIT:

                      "Dear Ma and Pa
                      I am well and hope you are too. Tell my two brothers that the Marine Corps beats working for Farmer Brown by miles. Tell them to join up quickly before all the vacancies get filled.
                      I was restless at first because I get to sleep in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but am getting to enjoy sleeping late. All one has to do before breakfast is smooth out your bed and shine some things. No pigs to feed, mash to mix, wood to split or fire to lay. There is practically nothing to do before breakfast. We have to shave but that is not too bad as there is warm water.
                      Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, stead, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but you can always sit alongside two city boys who live on coffee. Their food plus yours keeps you going till noon when you get fed again.
                      It's no wonder the city boys can't walk far. We go on route marches which the platoon sergeant says are to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him any different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox back home. The city guys get sore feet and we all ride back to base in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
                      This will kill you all with laughing - I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is nearly as big as a squirrel's head and doesn't move and it isn't like shooting the wild pigs on the farm. All I have to do here is lie comfortably and hit the bulls-eye. I don't even have to load my own cartridges as they come in boxes.
                      Then we have what is called hand-to-hand combat training. I get to wrestle with the city boys but I have to be real careful because they break easily. It isn't anything like controlling the old bull at home.
                      I'm the best fighter they have here except for old Toons from over in the Free State. I only beat him once. He joined up same time as me but I'm only 5" 6" tall and weigh 70 kg. He's 6" 8" tall and weighs 180 kg.
                      Tell my brothers to hurry up and come join before other folks catch on to this easy way of earning money.
                      Your loving daughter
                      Wilhelmina"
                      Yesterday I was clever and wanted to change the world.
                      Today I am wise and am changing myself.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave… I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

                        So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker Dave asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

                        A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

                        He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

                        When my co-worker Dave followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'

                        He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.' :p
                        Jacque31

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          drivers license

                          I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            My acknowledgement to Dr Phil Humbert for these:

                            Remember these? For those who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before the highways, when everyone drove the old two-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream of the time.

                            Here are some of the actual signs:

                            DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE
                            YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
                            Burma Shave

                            DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING
                            WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
                            Burma Shave

                            BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE
                            ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE
                            Burma Shave

                            SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE
                            SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE
                            Burma Shave

                            THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER
                            LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE
                            Burma Shave

                            AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT
                            BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT?
                            Burma Shave

                            SPEED WAS HIGH, WEATHER WAS HOT
                            TIRES WERE THIN, X MARKS THE SPOT
                            Burma Shave

                            A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN
                            IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN'
                            Burma Shave

                            THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
                            DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING
                            Burma Shave

                            And my all time favorite:

                            PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW
                            LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW
                            Burma Shave
                            Yesterday I was clever and wanted to change the world.
                            Today I am wise and am changing myself.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              The GOOD Old Days!!

                              1957 VS 2010

                              Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school

                              1957-Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies

                              2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention

                              Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students

                              1957- Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again

                              2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disorder

                              Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt

                              1957- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

                              2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

                              Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school

                              1957- Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

                              2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

                              Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest

                              1957 - Ants die.

                              2010- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

                              Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him

                              1957- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

                              2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy

                              Think about it!
                              Last edited by afriventure; 09-08-10, 08:46.

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